Remember there used to be a ‘How To’ series on this blog and how those blog posts are responsible for a major chunk of traffic on this blog even today? Yes. Its back after a long time – How to be an Attention Whore. *your cue to applaud*
What is an Attention Whore, some might ask. For starters, these people are the biggest attention whores themselves. Not only women, but a fat chunk of men also fall under the category. They are exceedingly annoying and painfully social creatures that often come across as mentally unstable due to their insatiable hunger for attention of all kinds, but in reality are far cleverer than what people give them credit for. I mean come on, it requires a lot of strategy and planning to click a zillion pictures of yourself from various angels, using your cell phone, in your favorite bathroom bulb lighting. She / he will consistently participate in questionable activities in order to receive even the most negligible amounts of attention at the most reprehensible, improper, gauche moments. Sounds vaguely familiar, huh?
And this is why it’s a tad risky subject to blog about – because most of you are already attention whores, no darlings?
Seriously, you are. Accept this as soon as possible because majority of you are attention whores, and the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can polish your talent and put it to some good use – like whatever good use attention whorishness can be put to. Yeah, go ahead, take the first step towards acceptance in the most trusted, fashionable and respected way - declare it on your Twitter / Facebook page. Now. Go!
Phew. So there goes more than half of my readership, the men and women who have infact inspired this post. Generally, attention whorishness has to come naturally to you, some kind of a God Gift, really. But with determination and efficient guidance, almost everyone can benefit a little. And thus, for a small fraction of you, who are too shy and/or too lame to figure it out for yourselves, I’m here for guidance.
I’ve studied the subject well enough (cough cough) and for ease of understanding, this post has been divided into various headings aka the Playing Grounds of your regular Attention Whore. Here we go:
- THE most important thing that will get you noticed is your Twitter handle. It is like your name in the Twitterverse, and some people who you might end up meeting in real life will insist on calling you by your twitter Handle for some reason. So, pick it with utmost care. Make sure to include impactful words like Bitch, Hot, 4U, Gal, Dude, Alcohol, Babe etc paired with a sexy fake name – sure shot way to stardom on twitter. However, if sexy isn’t your thing, add chocolate / Tempting / some Bollywood Movie phrase / Dope / Chick, and throw a random number just for the effect (which seems to work really well. Reason unknown). Other highly recommended ideas suitable for an attention whore’s Twitter handle are: Singlebabe_11, party_addict, vodka_expert, DevilLady, Brute4You and if nothing seems to impress you, then add ‘ism’ to your name and tweet away.
BTW, my Twitter handle is Adicrazy and I don't see anything wrong with that.
- Next to your handle is your DP. To be a perfect attention whore, pick the one with the least clothes on, if you have the body and the guts. If not, girls can go for a halter top and hair on your face (primarily to hide it) or a picture in a mini skirt taken from a distance safe enough to maintain the illusion. If you can’t even do that – at which point you should almost give up on trying to be an attention whore, really – click a zoomed-in picture of your heavily khol-ed and mascara-ed eye. Yeah, it seems to work. Men can easily go for pictures taken in bars where the light is dim and your eyes are twinkling because of all the alcohol in you.
- Now, on to the tweeting part – Often tweet to the effect of ‘No one loves me.’ Take credit for everything under the sun - good bad doesn't really matter - it's all about you in the end, isn't it? Tweet about random shit that no one understands, like ‘Oh fuck It’s happened again!’ Trust me, people will RT it like nobody’s business, some losers will even ask what’s bothering you and be genuinely concerned. Butt into a conversation two people are having about something you have no idea about and demand all their attention. Example:
Guy1 : Hey @guy2 How is your photography going dude?
Guy2: @guy1 Got an amazing new lens. Just covered a wedding in Mumbai, amazing fun :)
Attention Whore: @guy1 @guy2 I LOVE photography guys! Here is the link to my beach pictures Kisses!
- Also, from time to time, tweet abuses at nobody in particular and rant about your loss of faith in love – major twitter magnets, such tweets.
- The Power of Twitpic. Upload your pictures at every excuse and ask people what they think of your tee shirt/shirt today. Girls, tweet about how your high heels are making your butt look bigger. When people respond (and they will!) saying things like aww, not really and don’t worry your look great, promptly Twitpic a picture of your butt and ask them again. Instant stardom!
- Twitter Bio. Again, very important. But don’t worry, just use one or several of our key words here as well, and you’ll cruise. Example Girl: ‘I AM A BITCH, DEAL WITH IT’. Example Man: ‘I Don’t Really Care. Fuck You.’
- On Twitter there are loads of Orkutiyas who will send you fraandship requests via tweets. While the others just ignore it, you, dear upcoming Attention Whore, you RT every such tweet with a comment like, ‘Oh Gosh! Give me one good reason! J RT @FraanshipDude Hey, Wanna B Frandz?’
- Okay this one’s fun - Stage a nasty bitch fight with another attention whore or a fake self made account and call each other names, abuse like there’s no tomorrow and get slutty. Example ‘bitch stole my bf and has totally slept with him’ Or ‘This fugly slut makes me want to rip her clothes, oops, head off’. Yeah, you can imagine what magic it creates on Twitter. They’ll love you or hate you, but at least they’ll talk about you and wohoo, mission accomplished! Obviously, later you can blame it on a hacked iPad or a compromised twitter account and, if you really don’t give a shit about thinking of excuses, just blame it on a crazy hangover. Don’t ask me, it has worked for people in the past!
- Most of the tactics for twitter work here as well. Just improvise a little, like upload atleast 5 pictures of yourself per day, in your bathroom mirror. That’s a good lighting plus people need to see your bathroom and that adorable tube of Babool toothpaste on the counter.
- Join several logical groups on Facebook like ‘I love 2 sleep! Zzzzzz’, ‘Fuck Yeah, I Luv Mahself!’ and ‘Photogenic People of Facebook’. Say ‘Hi Peeps!’ on the wall of these groups.
- Take intellectually challenging quiz like ‘What’s Your Most Attractive Body Part’, ‘What Attracts Girls/Boys Towards You The Most’ and ‘How Many People Have a Secret Crush on You?’ Publish the result on all your friend’s walls and invite them too – really, they’ll love it!
- Blogs are a little outdated now, but no harm in utilizing it for whatever its worth, right? So, start a blog if you don’t already have one.
- Blog only about yourself and how you’re a total party animal and how single you are.
- Post song lyrics and your pictures to go with it, you know, just for the heck of it.
- Tag all your posts with – yes, out key words again – Bitch, Babe, Dude, Sensational, Tempting, Alcohol, Dope, Chocolate so on and so forth.
- Comment on other blogs saying ‘Hey doll, read my latest post at *give your link shamelessly*
’. Who cares what shit they’ve posted, just give them your link and get the hell out of there.
Okay everybody. This seems to be enough for now, tell me how you’re doing and I might dish out some more tips. Just maybe, okay? No promises. There are still things out there that I haven’t tried myself yet.*wink*
Image source: someecards