Okay so what if I don’t have a boyfriend, what if I don’t believe men, what if I hate even a friend who is boy, I still have a right to write about men. :)
Based on my limited/scarce/ prejudiced/inadequate/shallow knowledge on the subject, I shall share the list - MY LIST - of various types of men that exist on the planet. There is so much I want to say before starting out with my list, but I am suffering from a memory lapse since the time I woke up this morning – with the younger brother living with me these days, with his engineering college admission processes, with his lunch/dinner worries, with his ‘I-m-so-fucking-bored’ rant every day, with our late night make-cruel-fun-of-our-relatives sessions, etc etc etc – because I am too exhausted for life at the moment. So cut and straight to the point I go –
Type 1: I-am-your-best-friend Man
This type is abundant. They want to be your friend and share all your highs and lows. They take care of you, they know you and your feelings, they seem trustable and dependable and they are the perfect guy-friends. Come to think of it, they are 10 times better than most of your girl friends. (most of the girl friends, not all). They claim this is a platonic relationship, against the ‘when harry met sally’ law – boys and girls can never be friends – and even you, the smart ass yourself, believe them. Everything goes well till he is distracted by other girls for the ‘girl-friend’ sake. You laugh with him on his flirtatious exploits with other girls inspite of being a girl yourself because you think you are a different league that these ‘other’ girls with this best-friend. But nooooooooooooo, every man has to be a man. Sooner or later, the other angel crops up and spoils everything. This angle can be –
- he falls in love with you,
- he cheats you by saying he is in love with you while saying the same thing to some other random girl (i pity this other girls also),
- he is not comfortable with your other guy friends because he is the ‘Best-Friend’,
- he is actually a regular selfish person who – when left with no other girl because of various reasons – starts the more-than-friends bullshit with you hoping you will reciprocate,
- he has been dumped by all other girls (because some girls are smart, unlike you, and they figure him out in time) and now you have caught his fancy.
Whatever reason, this ends up with not so friendly terms. You might still give him a chance but you know you will be cautious now on and things will never be same again.
Type 2: I-want- to-rescue-you Man
This guy has heard a lot of Cinderella –Snow white stories and fancies himself as the knight in shining armor. He has all the acts practiced and all the reflexes ready, all he needs is a damsel in distress. Even if you are happy and giggling, he will see the pain in your eyes and will take a blood oath to rescue from whatever it is that is hurting you. They easily fall for the lamest things like ‘I don’t believe in love’ (this makes them think you are heartbroken) or ‘Childhood was the best phase’ (he gets an idea that you are unhappy with the grown up life). He is generally a nice guy with a big heart and a penchant for girls in pain. My theory is that this guy has recently had a breakup or a troubled life. This guy is not very common but every girl comes across such a guy once in a while. He really wants to help, to make a difference without any agenda. Good guy, this one. The only thing is, once he thinks you are happy, he is disappointed. For him to be happy, you have to feign deep sorrow throughout.
Type 3: Gay Man
This guy is fun, Gee. He is gay and he thinks he can hide it and he hits on you but you know he is gay and you also know he thinks that you don’t know he is gay. You see? So this is so much fun. Being gay is fine, absolutely. But in a country like India, people hide this. Obviously, because of various reasons, and I don’t blame them. But it really is funny when a gay guy hits on a girl only because he is with his male friends who probably don’t know about him being gay. SO in order to hide it from other men, he acts like this. Poor things, you can see he is so damn uncomfortable in flirting with a girl, but the cruel world! Sigh! This man is nice to talk to otherwise and is sensitive too.
Type 4: I-want-to-be-alone Man
Okay, so this guy wants to be alone. But he is not like us regular girls, no, he will not stay shut up in his cluttered room and watch movies or something, instead, he will dress up and go out to crowded hangout zones and sit alone. He will watch you, he will check out every girl in the vicinity and he will ogle also at times, but he will not approach anyone. He will sip his coffee or beer and watch other people. I guess he is in a reflection mode, contemplating about life and asking questions to himself, meanwhile failing to concentrate and thus getting distracted. Poor guy, he is mostly in some low phase but beware, he can also be a criminal. You never know. Key is, just ignore him.
Type 5: Arrogant Man
This man is on a power trip. He has some kind of an inferiority complex and he hates all women. He gets his kicks by abusing women and/or making fun of them in a cruel way. He has been treated badly in the past (i think, by a woman) and he thinks he will be at par by being cruel to every woman he meets. He is the type you will find on a road side or in a mall. This type is very rare. But he can be a really bad experience. He will be glad if he makes a girl cry, Yes. He will spot you if you are good looking and smart will decide that you are conceited – something that he hates. He will then punish you for it. Loser. But better to be away. Really.
Type 6: I-want-to-marry-you Man
This man can be one of the I-am-your-best-friend Man, or the I-want- to-rescue-you Man but trust me, this is also rare species. He is good, if you think he is good for you, that is. Life can be cool and you can have a happily-ever-after if you like him. But in case you don’t want to tie the knot, you are in trouble. This guy will fall in love with you honestly and it will break your heart to say a ‘no’ to him. He is generally a good friend, whom u will hate to hurt. He will tell everyone about his feelings for you, making you feel ashamed of yourself. This generally ends up like a fairy tale (if you say a yes) or disastrously (if you deny).
Type 7: I-am-a-rockstar Man
This guy is a complete show-off. He thinks he is a rock star of some sort and is totally deluded. He will see you, and when other men will see beauty or opportunity or style or something else, this guy will see audience! He will charm you with tales about himself. He is self obsessed and thinks it is his business to butt into every damn person’s life. He will dazzle you with stories from his glorious past (that he probably has cooked up himself), he will impress you with his accomplishments with other girls (this one is my personal dislike), he will surprise you with how high people think of him (he himself tells you this) and much more. His aim to strike a conversation with you is to speak about himself to a second person first being his-own-mighty self (I suspect he talks to himself nonstop).
Type 8: Regular Man
This is a common type. He is your regular guy, yes – loves gadgets (some of them do), loves sports (well, mostly), is sex-starved, hangs out with boy gangs, is capable of hurting, loves action, hate to admit that he likes romantic movies – in short he is just normal. Be careful around him.
I’m done. Remember that there can be more than one types in a real guy, these types can be phases of life also. And then, this is my list. :)
UPDATE: Monologue is mentioned in
Great Bong's latest Blog. OMG. The
Barkha Dutt blog I wrote is linked to Great Bongs's post! Means he read Monologue, at least once, right? Wow. Isn't that great? I am super duper excited. Now, does this count as being famous? :)
For some reasons, I kept meeting Brides and Bridegrooms. Here is the cutest couple.
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